Seeking, er, Duly Diligent Consideration Tactics


I am rerunning Toles’ Emergency Procedures cartoon, because Byron Smith has added a ninth step. I’d like to offer a prize to someone who can provide a step 10 strong enough to stand with Byron’s step 9, but I can’t afford it and I can’t afford the lawyers to figure out how to do it if I could.

So I am handing out traditional, old fashioned pulp-publishing no-prizes instead. Only In It for the Gold no-prizes are hereby titled No Gold Medals, and Byron surely gets one for his (slightly edited)

9. Consider that fire may actually reduce the building’s heating bill. Commission study by think tank to investigate.

Another No Gold Medal to he-who or she-who comes up with point 10.

Update: Tony Lee got an LOL out of me with 10. Maintain that those involved in fire detection cannot be involved in firefighting policy. If they insist on getting mixed up in firefighting policy, we get to ignore everything they say.

That said, probably the best punch line in keeping with Toles’ original cartoon and audience is oquantril’s 10. Under no circumstance sound an alarm. This would be alarmist.



No Gold Medals are being prepared for both contributors as I write! Many thanks to all contributors.

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35 thoughts on “Seeking, er, Duly Diligent Consideration Tactics

  1. byron smith says:

    Excellent! I shall treasure it always.10. Observe that fires are naturally self-limiting as fuel is finite.

  2. Francis says:

    Pick up hammer. Swing hammer. Hit thumb. Drop hammer. Swear repeatedly. Consider alternative to hammer.

  3. Andrew H says:

    10. Explain to everyone that the components of the building (both concrete and steel) survived much higher temperatures in their recent past and so this is nothing unusual.Andrew

  4. 10. Notice that people often drive long distances to toast marshmallows over an open flame, so there are benefits as well as costs to be considered.

  5. 10. Other buildings are on fire too; anyway, this building's sensitivity to fire is low.

  6. 10. There's no point in trying to put out the fire in this building since there's no sign anyone else is putting out a fire in their building.

  7. jivlain says:

    10. Point out that given that we haven't managed to put the fire out yet, we should give up on extinguishing it and focus solely on fireproofing nearby valuables.Well, actually, this is perhaps more a step 20 than a step 10, but it's certainly in there somewhere.

  8. 10. Fire? What fire? There is no fire.

  9. 10. Decide that the sun causes fires, because it's a big ball of fire itself.

  10. Make up explanation for grandchildren.

  11. oquantrill says:

    10. Fund exhibition showing that fire was the driver of human evolution. Evolution is good.

  12. Tony Lee says:

    10. Maintain that those involved in fire detection cannot be involved in firefighting policy. If they insist on getting mixed up in firefighting policy, we get to ignore everything they say.

  13. Phil says:

    10. Remind everybody that water is too precious to be wasted putting out fires.

  14. dkahn400 says:

    Announce that the daffodils in the flower beds outside the building may be brought out a week early by the heat.

  15. bluegrue says:

    10. In the meantime, everyone should be given opportunity to upgrade from painted timber flooring to wall-to-wall carpet. Liberally spread organic solvent to strip the paint.

  16. cdrews says:

    Cut funding for fire detection, because it doesn't provide new information and only makes everybody panic.

  17. 10. Point out that fires have always occurred in nature (without human influence), therefore this is just a natural event (and we should let it run its course).Bart

  18. muchacho says:

    Using that fire extinguisher could be very bad for the economy, not there is a consensus about a fire anyhow.

  19. Well, paraphrasing the usual talking points is rather boring, so I'll try something different:10. PROFIT!!!!!!(I don't think there are that many prominent climate inactivists out there who do their inactivist work without thinking about the all-important problem of How To Make Money From It.)

  20. muchacho says:

    Is this an anthropogenic fire or is it naturally occurring ?

  21. muchacho says:

    Before you call the fire department remember that you could be diverting resources from a poorer neighborhood, or the fight against AIDS, or something.

  22. muchacho says:

    How do you know it's a fire? Smoke can be caused by other things too you know, therefore it's not a fire, you're just being alarmist!

  23. PDA says:

    Start a "blogospheric experiment" bemoaning the lack of dialogue with people who have never seen a fire and think it's just a trick of the light, or brightly colored paper flapping in the breeze.

  24. Mike Powell says:

    10. Hack into the e-mail accounts of everyone in the building. Quote mine to imply fire is a hoax.

  25. dhogaza says:

    10. Point out that trying to mitigate will cause more costly damage from water than the cost of simply adapting to living in a tent on an empty lot.

  26. Alexander says:

    10. Insist that no action be taken in response to the fire until the national unemployment rate falls below 5.5% for four consecutive quarters.

  27. oquantrill says:

    10. Under no circumstance sound an alarm. This would be alarmist.

  28. Nick Palmer says:

    10. adaptation will be cheaper than mitigation. Pass the asbestos…

  29. muchacho says:

    10. Conclude that it's not a real fire. Shouting FIRE! is just an attempt to get research funding.11. Call Cuccinelli instead

  30. coby says:

    10. Order and wait for a replacement fire extinguisher that runs on corn-based biofuels.

  31. Sam says:

    A little late to the party, but:10. Point out that it would be very expensive to put out the fire with today's technologies. Assert that it will be more economical to wait to put out the fire until the very inexpensive, technologically wonderful solutions produced by the free market become available Any Day Now…

  32. Matt says:

    10. Avoid fire prevention in the future because of economic hardship and loss of jobs (Firefighters, Firetruck Builders, etc)

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