As is well known, recently the State Board of Education of our Great State of Texas met in pursuit of the Scientific truth, in order to decide what to impart to our youth via the High School curriculum.
They began with a document crafted by professional “teachers” and “scientists”, who freely admit to having a so-called “teaching real science” agenda. The Board, in its wisdom made a number of last minute Amendments to the proposed policy. These will affect classroom practice in our Great State and will have a strong effect on textbook publishers nationwide.
A great deal of national attention has been directed toward these Amendments, particularly as they affect biology, but as a climatologist practicing out of Texas I was gratified to see that they had not left our humble science out of the picture entirely.
As stated in a press release by the Environmental Defense Fund:
“Surprising environmentalists, the board’s last-minute decision Wednesday changed the language in a school textbook chapter on Environmental Systems to include the phrase “analyze and evaluate different views on the existence of global warming.”
It is gratifying to have the vast platform of the Texas Public School System to advance alternative theories about Global Warming. The media along with certain elements based in East Coast cities as well as Hollywood and San Francisco have been effectively promoting a flawed theory involving something they call Greenhouse Gas Theory.
The many flaws in Greenhouse Gas Theory do not typically get aired. Alternative views have been given altogether too short of a shrift.
Therefore I call on my fellow scientists to do everything possible to create a fair presentation of the main alternative hypothesis, the hypothesis of Interventionist Carbohydrates. (Now, that is quite a mouthful, so we can call it “IC” for short.)
Here is a graph showing how the flawed Greenhouse Gas Theory fails to account for observations:
In that graph, the red line corresponds to Greenhouse Gas Theory Gases, and the green line to global mean surface temperature as measured in the central location of Abilene TX. As you can see, Texas temperatures are not predicted by the Greenhouse Gas Theory Gases (GHGTGs).
On the other hand, consider the following graph, which indicates the number of Pirate Attacks, versus the global mean average surface temperature of the great state of Texas, again, as measured in Abilene. You will see that it is a very good predictor, going up when the temperature goes down, and down when it goes up. Unlike the GHGTGs, where there is no match that can be seen, in this case the match is perfect, as one would expect from good science.
There is a Scientific Explanation for this.
You see, it appears that there is a great carbohydrate-based presence in the sky that thrives on heat, water and salt. It gets all the water it wants from the clouds, but its need for salt is crucial. And it is the salty language and demeanor of sea pirates that gives it salt which it needs.
Fortified by the salt, the great carbohydratic presence is able to intervene in earthly matters, soaking up the great heat particles (warmons) and also the lesser ones (warminos) from the skies over Texas, and Oklahoma and Kansas too! This protects our land from the fierce summer heat of all those warmons and warminos.
Unfortunately, the advance of civilization has led to a decrease in the population of pirates, which has led to an increase in warmons and warminos, causing some discomfort, especially in August and September when we are really tired of it.
There are those who complain that our position is a disguised argument in favor of a dogmatic religious sect. Far from it. We are merely pointing out the evidence, and the evidence says there is an ethereal carbohydrate presence protecting us from the sun’s heat best when there are pirates.
While many of the advocates of Interventionist Carbohydratism happen to be members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or pastafarians, not all of us are. Far from it! There is for example the example of non-pastafarian Richard Lindzen of the atmospheric science department at M.I.T., whose meteorological publications have long been entirely consistent with Interventionist Carbohydratism.
The core of IC investigates how and why the connection between temperature and pirates is due to the ineffable presence of an animated carbohydrate presence. Whether that presence is constituted by, say, intelligent potatoes or biscuits or pasta or even turnips is a matter for the individual’s conscience; the state indeed has no business making such a distinction. (We have, however, ruled out corn, field corn, and hominy.)
Now that we understand about IC, what should we do about the pirate crisis? Should we reconstitute the Texas Navy, forcibly boarding and looting the ships of other nations and northern states? No, of course not. We Texans are an honorable people, and we do not force our will upon random foreigners, at least not without a fairly strong suspicion of reasonable cause.
Fortunately it turns out not to be necessary. The Carbohydrate Intervention process is mediated not by piracy itself but simply by the salty language, dress and demeanor of the pirates. Accordingly, as part of the high school instruction in Carbohydragenic Global Warming we will train the students to sing and perform a vast collection of dirty limericks and bawdy drinking songs. The provision of these materials in pilot classrooms in various sophomore and junior level high school classes has been met with great enthusiasm by most of the students. We look forward to educating many more of our state’s teenagers, in service to the environment, to set them off on the right foot in their stewardship of the mighty Texas land.
Now THAT, not the tiresome and flawed correlations of the teachers and professors, that my friends is real Science, Texas style!
Make no mistake. Our position is for Science, about Science, and through Science. We will follow the truth no matter where it leads. And it leads to giant plates of carbohydrates of some sort. Possibly pasta, as some of us believe within the privacy of our own homes and houses of worship, but that is not for us curriculum developers to say.
Indeed, it is our opponents, in their arrogant refusal to consider the piracy data, who have become so stubborn, so dogmatic, so intolerant of opposition, that it is they, not we, who represent the injection of religion into the classroom. They should be grateful for our generosity in not trying to force their Greenhouse Gas Theory out of the curriculum altogether. Unlike our opposition, though, we believe that every scientific viewpoint, no matter how peculiar or unfounded, deserves the time for a fair hearing in the classroom. Anything less is a betrayal of our youth.
It is wonderful that our great State is finally opening the door to examination of this long-suppressed theory and many other scientific theories of comparable value. That is something that Texans of all backgrounds, be they Aggie, Longhorn or Raider, can reflect upon with great Texas Pride. Arrr!
Update: I am very pleased to note how many people apparently have read this article and been swept up by the power of its Scientific Evidence. Several important Greenhouse Gas Theory websites have folded up their tents today and can now be counted as among the 450 PhD’s supporting Carbohydrate Interventionism: Gavin Schmidt et al. at RealClimate, James Hrynyshyn (hope I spelled it right that time) and Rajenda Pachauri can now be added to the list of CI supporters and sympathizers. Most remarkably, there is the confession from Al Gore. It is worth noting that none of them is a practicing pastafarian.
Truly the first day of April in 2009 is a date worthy of note in the history of scientific progress! All hail Flying Spagh… er… hurrah!